I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
