Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
