I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
