I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
home. puking in laundry basket.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
