i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
