I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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