But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
