dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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