So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
