oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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