Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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