fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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