I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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