...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
