You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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