I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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