Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
