So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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