Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He did a backflip because drugs
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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