went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
