If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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