found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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