Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
