I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
