so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
