he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
