it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize