What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
