I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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