I could make wine with my vomit
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
