glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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