i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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