i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
