This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
