im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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