matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
can u get pink eye on your cock?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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