proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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