my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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