you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
