There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I stole a fireplace last night.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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