I never want to see another naked old woman again.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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