Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
