I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize