I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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