True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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