When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
