I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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