she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
