this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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