I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
