So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My penis needs a shock collar
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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