Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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