I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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