I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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