I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The uberlube is also flammable
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
