I think I won the penis lottery.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
