so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
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