last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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