I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Never underestimate the power of titties
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
