i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
